Scientist have conclusively determined that unnecessarily and ridiculously huge lawn mowers destroy both your youth and diginity. This young man bought his massively clunky mower just last week.
Now look at him.
Unfortunately, the only cure for D.U.M.B.A.S.S. (Douchebags Unnecessarily Mowing With Artillary Sized Setups) sydrome is common sense and maybe a little bit of reading, which for most of these poor unfortunate individuals does not make for a very good prognosis. In most instances they sadly and inevitably end up looking something like an albino version of Jaba the Hut (see below):
.....Ok ok, so I might have an oddly strong dislike of ride-on mowers, but in reality it's not the mowers themselves but what they represent.... no, actually, on second thought I hate the mowers too. Anyway, for most people when you say "pollution" the first image that comes to mind is something like this:
But the reality is more something like this:
The main source of my disdain when it comes to these types of mowers is they simply don't make sense on any level. Lawn grasses (and almost every cultivated plant out there) like freely draining soils with lots of pore space. As you can imagine, repeatedly driving a machine over soil that weighs as much as a rhino, plus the added weight of a (usually more than slightly over-sized) person is not good. It's similar to what happens when you push down hard on a sponge with the palm of your hand, except, unlike a sponge, soil does not spring back after its squished. Once the poor space is gone, its gone. Compacted soils have a greatly reduced capacity to hold and retain water as well as the ability to support the microbial communities necessary for healthy plant growth, resulting in weaker, less vigorous plants that are more susceptible to drought and disease.
And then of course, to compensate for the damage done by compacted soils people apply a vast array of chemicals that (surpise, suprise!) end up running off and contaminating our waterways. And even if no chemicals are applied, excess runoff caused by overly compacted soil is still very damaging to natural systems.
And I won't even get started on all the other types of pollution and damage caused by these pointless behemoths. I'll just let this article speak for me (yes I know its from 2010, but its still very much relevant). While I realize that they generalize for all gas powered mowers, I think we can safely assume that ride-ons would be worse, not better than their push counterparts. And just in case you don't read it, here are the highlights:
For mowers sold pre-2012 (and I'm going to assume here that this would be the best one could hope for, if you have an older mower, assume that its worse than this):
"...in an hour a push mower will produce the same HC+NOx as a car driven 257 miles, and the same CO as one driven 401 miles. To put it another way, assuming a car averages 40 miles per hour, a push mower produces more HC+NOx than six cars and the same CO as ten."
For mowers sold during and after 2012:
"....a push mower may produce as much HC+NOx as a car driven 160 miles — in other words, one lawn mower would equal four cars."
And just to bring it home here's another fun fact: In 2007 the EPA estimated that lawn mowers contribute 5 percent (5 freaken percent!!!!) to our country's greenhouse gas emissions.
The truth is I prefer we get rid of lawns wherever possible, but I know that's not gonna happen anytime soon. So here are a few tips to for a healthier lawn, healthier environment, and healthier you.
1. You should be able to easily move the mower without the engine running. The lighter the better, so if the mower weighs more than you do, find another mower.
2. Ask about emission standards. If the person selling you the mower doesn't know, or doesn't directly answer the question, find another mower.
3. Push reel?, Electric?, Robotic?,..... The mower that's right for your neighbor may not be right for you. Here's an article that helps weigh the pros and cons. I'm going to try out one of the robotic mowers myself this summer.
It may look like it might kill you in your sleep, but at least it has zero emissions!
4. Always keep your mower properly maintained and take extra precautions when refilling if it runs on gasoline. Accidents are bound to happen, so always spread out a thick rag or other absorbent material below to catch any spillage that might occur. Store these rags properly.
5. If your soil profile is lacking (less than 6" deep) or its extremely clayey, or very acidic, just accept the fact that you will never have the type of lawn you see on a golf course (and no ones lawn should really look like that anyway).
6. I can't really get into depth about this without writing a whole other post, but (in addition to soil) the foundation of a lush, green lawn begins with properly selected grasses for your specific location and climate. There are always newer, better grass varieties that have been breed for increased drought tolerance as well as dwarf characteristics (which means less mowing for you). High Country Gardens always seems to have a good offering of the newest and the best, but if you have no idea where to begin just start googling (try "turfgrass selection" + your state). Also If your lawn is ten years or older, you may want to consider interplanting or replacing it with newer varieties.
7. Weeds are a part of life. Accept them and get over it.
I could go on, but I'm sure most of you have already stopped reading (and I don't really feel like writing anymore). Just rememeber, a little less of this:
and a lot more this!
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